christal blue persuasions musings

After a few weeks of coasting,  not moving in the direction I want to go in….Im ready. First losing Gail and Marys daughter Beth (and Beths husband).Then being sick the last two weeks hit me pretty hard. No treadmill, no total gym…I could only do a half hour on 3.0 before I had to break tonight. While fast walking (I pop it up higher for periods of time until I feel burning and almost cant keep up then I drop it back down to 3) I got a little disgusted with myself. I say I want certain things, and I do, but I don’t go to any lengths to achieve them.It isn’t an unreachable goal unless I make it one. I’ve done this before, I can do it again. Im 44 not 84. I deserve to feel 44. Five months ago I was in the hospital with pulmonary edema, I have NO business not making this a priority. This is my LIFE not my looking good. I am well enough and far enough to kick this into high gear.

John and I decided to not pursue our relationship and Im ok. Im actually the one who chose to stop it. I am grateful to him. He helped me get over barriers that six months ago I would have never dreamed I could get over. But we are too different communicators. I misinterpret what he says and he misinterprets what I say…I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want to be hurt.

Im off to the showers. My friend the jazz guitar player and I hang out on the net at night, he practices his guitar and I paint…its pretty cool and I don’t want to miss it . To paint to live music is amazing, we banter back and forth in between long spans of just working. I love my friends.