Selfish Reasoning
Its kinda nice not having a lot of readers any more (I was away for a bit with no computer access). I find myself not thinking about what to write–I just write now. I didn’t get into this thing to be popular–lol. I got into it for selfish reasons and I’m staying for those same reasons. I dropped out of one of the weight loss clubs because I will not get weighed every week and cannot guarantee I wont drag the club down because of that reason.
I’m not going to be a “rah rah, I’m doing great cheerleader” when I’m not doing great. I’m not going to apologize for not being in some ‘zone’. I’m looking for lifestyle changes, changes in thinking, changes in who I am…not just a dress size change. Ive done all that before and it doesn’t last. It isn’t enough. Being thin does not equate being happy. Trust me, I’ve been thin half my life. Wanna meet a better class of people? Gain forty pounds and see who still likes you then. I’ve been an active member of a 12 step program for 24 years. During meetings I talk, I share, I laugh the same when I am fat as when I am thin. But somehow when I am thin, my words are ‘golden’ to a shallow sect and unnoticeable when heavy. I find that very telling and very funny.
This is a difficult time for me. I’m not going to act as if I’m not sad or afraid. This isn’t a game for me , this is change or sink time. I don’t even cry, it’s that hard right now. The feeling of crying is there all the time but the tears will not come. Probably once Robert actually moves out I will cry…not right now, I don’t want him to see me vulnerable.
Hey girlie… I had your mindset for a whole other reason for a very long time. It’s only in the past month, I’ve changed both inwardly and outwardly. From what you wrote up there, you seem like such a strong character. You’re so right though… when it comes to weightloss, you have to do it on your own terms.
I didn’t know you were going through such a tough time. You are right, you have to do this for you…I’ve been there, cried so much so there was nothing left to cry, but it does eventually pass, that horrible feeling. And, Blaithin, is right about you, you are very strong, but you need to take care of yourself as well. I will be there for you whenever you need! But, you must know that already…