christal blue persuasions musings

Yesterday was a tough day. I spent the weekend with Robert. Saturday night was a 50th birthday party–I had a four by four inch peice of cake. Then the next day was reminicent day as Robert drove us all around Philly. I forgot it was Mothers Day until I got home and Shawn had left me a mothers day message. But from morning until we got home Robert ate (he is six foot tall and 220–he gets away with it.) and kept trying to get me to eat. I am working on, if I am not hungry, no matter how it upsets him, I am not eating. If I am hungry I eat. Then he did something sweet—when he was serving me at the chinese restaurant we were at, he dished me out a smaller amount than he gives himself (about one sixth of what he eats). I let him know how much I appreciated him finally hearing me when I said I dont eat nearly as much as he does and over filling me only hurts me. He has been trying so hard…my resentment to him is getting more and more watercolored and transparent. Im hoping it will just leave.

Even though I was uncomfortable at the party and knew no one, I did really well until the host brought me a peice of cake. It was alot like how a junkie would feel if he was holding his favorite drug and trying to not use it. I will have to start risking upsetting people (maybe I will lie and say I have diabetes so they wont feel compelled to give me stuff I need to stay away from). I also have to begin to pray more for strength rather than no temptation.

When we got home after two days away I slept from 7 pm til 12 am–woke dranks some crystal light lemonade, took my meds and went back to bed.

Today I was back with some raw oats and soy milk at 7 am. This afternoon will be salad with chicken and low fat ginger dressing. Tonight will be snow peas, tofu,mushrooms stir fried and in garlic. Snacks will be a plum, a pear and some an apple.

I will call one or two friends, a new doctors office and get a blood draw. I also put the patch on and quitting smoking today. I am officially a non smoker now. Pray for my family. the house is trashed and in need of a good deep cleaning…all in all I have a busy day ahead of me.