christal blue persuasions musings

♥ “If you keep thinking of all the ways in which others cheated you, fought with you, degraded you or angered you, your heart will forever be full of hatred. Learn to let go, and be happy.” ~ Buddha ♥

• Good things about having dissociation: You can forget things as if they never happened.
• Bad things about having dissociation: You can forget things as if they never happened.

I was making dinner and I suddenly remembered something from my last visit with my mother at her place in September. It’s funny how a suppressed or forgotten incident will hit me and I go  ”Oh yeah…………….HEY!? What the Hell!?”

An old family aquaintence just a few years older then myself (my mothers best friends daughter) and I had a disagreement and I cut off the friendship when she began to publicly take sniper shots at my childhood, mental health disorder and sobriety. Later ‘bater! She called my 68 year old mother who was recovering from a bad car accident and TOLD ON ME! Of course, Mother told her, basically, to go shit in her hat…but still, ya’ wanna’ grow up and leave my mother alone? Jerk off.

It was months later when I heard this and, obviously, more months later until it hit me.

How do you deal with someone else’s irrational behavior? Do you become as irrational or immature? My knee jerk reaction is to blow them out of the water with words.I don’t do that much–in fact I often stuff it down inside me. But that isn’t the healthiest way for me. My way of not dealing with it isn’t working . H.A.L.T. ~ when will I get that into my head? I want to feel without pushing it away and without being overwhelmed by it all.

Bye Bye “Jane”

• Mood: Pissed off earlier, but now disturbed by my reactions. 

• Whats my body doing: A lot of bilateral kidney pain today, with nausea from it. 

• Whats on my mind: Hypocrisy and standing up for whats right and true no matter who its about. 

• Band Restriction: Low but there 

• Eating: Day eating was fine, pushing more fluids.Dinner was too much. Again, angry eating.

Tomorrow is a new day and I have the chance to try again.

My Weight Loss Surgery Blog: “Losing it…(in SO many ways)“

How come your printer works without a hitch when your kid wants to print seventy nine pictures of an anime character, but the minute you want to print your itinerary it has an conniption and dramatically plays dead on the floor like some drama queen ?

It never fails. This is an awesome printer, I love it, but it hates this little desk top computer I’ve been working on since my laptop committed Hari Kari. God, I  miss it. It made homeschooling and life in general so much easier. Damn it for leaving me. The desk top will suddenly “lose” all remnants of the printer…no drivers, no software…once it is reinstalled it will then suddenly have dual copies of everything….fucker. I think it does it on purpose just to mess with my head and see just how much balance I really have internally. It will be sorry the day I yank it out of the wall, bring it outside and run it the Hell over with the truck, put it in reverse and back over it, then run it over again.

I want my laptop and I want to make enough money for a new one—a Mac would be nice.

All I wanted to do was print out a photo of some tiger lilies I took a few years ago so I can use them as a study for a painting. Nothing major, no super huge thing right? Except I am leaving for Delaware early in the morning for two days and later will need to print out directions and the receipt from the hotel reservations with the confirmation number. Fuck me.Oh and the email confirmation? Yeah…I deleted it accidentally. Aww, balls! (OK , look don’t get all torqued, I told you I curse like a trucker–Jersey, remember?)

Anyway, I once read an article on the statistics of computers and their peripherals being more likely to screw up at times when you are freaking out or pressed for time and anxious. I wish I could find it again, but I swear I really read it a few years ago. The gist of it was, is it possible that the electrical energy a stressed person puts out could cause the machine to malfunction. So, I try to be all Zen when the computer decides to jack me around about the printer and try to take it one step at a time…I usually end up hissing at it and swearing to kill it slowly , roll it up in a area rug and bury it under a cement floor somewhere.

The software is done downloading….again…If the Feds come asking you about me and some printer…you don’t know nuffin’…got it? I was at church.

Just walk away, this doesn’t concern you.

My Lap Band blog: “Losing it…(in SO many ways)“

I paint.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no Chagall, Klimt or Van Gogh, but I love it anyway. Each has influenced me in so many ways, especially the movement in Van Goghs strokes. There is life in his work. It breaths, moves and you want to touch each petal of every flower and each hair on the heads of his subjects.

I picked up a brush the other day and was fu..messing around with some new watercolors. The feeling of giddiness that would come over me as a child when I saw beautiful colors still happens, it still gets me high. There was a time when I would draw on anything that didn’t stand still…I once painted a VW Beetle pink, purple and gold…in a bikini. Leather jackets left sporting mohawked skulls with spiders and light switch plates had l’il flowers on them. I just didn’t care what it took, I needed to paint or draw. How did that escape me? How did the need to do dishes, wear pulled together outfits with no paint on them or laundry get in the way of my language? Who said I had to do everything by the book?

Only having a table top easel, I forgot a time when I had NO easel and was scratching money for art pencils. Printer paper wasn’t safe during those times, I drew on anything when the desire hit. Wanting a stand up easel doesn’t mean painting should be at a stand still. My eyes are slowly going and my hands hurt daily…I won’t be able to paint forever, I need to do it while I still can hold a brush and see the canvas clearly.

How do we do that so easily? How do we relegate beloved things to the back of the line over things like housework, or some social group? Because someone said I should be wearing matching outfits every day just in case…I stopped wearing my painting clothing so I could run back and forth between painting and other stuff. When did I start caring more about others opinions of me and what they felt I should do than my love for art? The idea that I needed to grow up. so to speak, propelled me to get a linear thinking job (though I did love my patients and I do not regret it) and there was no energy left…then I got married and any time used focusing on a drawing was considered time away from him, emotional infidelity (I know I know, I actually thought those very words….quit laughing.). It was too easy to find too many excuses. Fact is, I stopped because I stopped, the whys don’t really matter any more.

So, with aching joints and blurry eyes, the color was sliding across the paper and it fed me in ways food never will or is capable of doing.

Mood: Quiet, resigned

Whats my body doing: A migraine kept tapping at the door but I was able to fend it off and my right kidney was being a spoiled bitch.

Whats on my mind: Moving. I need to get the Hell out of this town and save my kid. Checking out another place this week.

Band Restriction: Mild

Eating: Not so great but calories weren’t bad…the content could have been better. C’est la vie today.

My weight loss surgery blog: “Losing it…(in SO many ways)”

I’ve been sorta laying here with my cheek on the desk

I read many blogs and quietly read posts at a few different places. It tires me emotionally.There’s a ton of “They’re doing it wrong, and I am/we’re doing it right.” and “They don’t let others in the circle.” going on out there.

I don’t know. Sometimes I regret ever having become involved with any of this shit…this *waving hand around in a large circle* this…fellowship or what ever the fuck you want to call it. I have been blessed with some funny, warm, kind and honest women (and men) who sincerely enjoy me and I enjoy also to share walks, stories and questions. Just because something is uncomfortable doesn’t mean I can’t handle it. Please, I was nursed by vipers, none of this shit is new to me. I’m not new to this bullshit or how we humans scratch and claw each others eyes out of jealousy and the need to be top dog. I’m just confused and overwhelmed with the competition for “Super Besterest Agent Cool” going on so MUCH. I have been a part of many fellowships, groups, societies and this by far out does any I’ve seen to date. The persistence and the never ending flame of competitiveness disguised as righteousness (and I don’t mean it in a religious context).

Are we all jackasses? Seriously, don’t we have enough fuck-fests thrown at us simply by living life without having to make them or give them or look for them or cause them … or or or ….

• We all are guilty of “doing it wrong” and yet passing judgement on others circumstances.
• We all feel alienated, yet are cool to others who try to join us and our friends because “They’re weird” or different than me or they aren’t_________enough. Fill in the blank.
• We all have pointed and laughed behind whispering hands.
• We all are guilty of the very things we are accusing others of doing.

Anyone who says they haven’t ever is a damned liar or delusional.

• Sometimes simply saying “Hi” is enough to make someone feel included.
• Sometimes just listening without external judgement is enough to help.
• Sometimes all it takes is responding to a lonely, little post. (We post things to be in a conversation…that requires responses or acknowledgement of our existence, at least.)
• Sometimes we don’t dislike the person but the fact that they glaringly have something we fear we may lack.

I dunno…this means nothing and will do nothing. It’s pretty useless. We are all too vested in our shit head behavior to admit we’re wrong or to begin to be civil.

My weight loss surgery blog “Losing it…(in SO many ways)”

My dog is a jerk off sometimes.

No, seriously, he is a manipulative punk. He has learned that if he whines, I will think he really has to poop BADLY and let him outside…even though he always goes out right before I go to bed. This was my night:

Oh settling under crisp sheets after a long day and getting my cpap on, earring off and snuggling up was such a relief. Until the sound of whining came from outside the bedroom door. “Poor Bare Bear!” I thought as I shot out of bed and called to him “Oh poor thing, I’m coming!” Throwing on my robe to make sure I don’t get cold or scare the neighbors, I opened my bedroom  door to Bare wagging his tail and running for the door in his excited “Yay! Let’s play!” dance he does…so he could lick the snow outside.

“OK … great…non-productive but, what ever.” I crawled back in bed…mmmmmmmmm.

Whine whine whine

“Oh, Bare.”

Repeat the above scenario four times, only interspersed with me yelling “Look Dog-Lips, I swear upon all that is holy I will make a slipper of you if you are faking it this time!”

So, I made a slipper of him.
Nah, I’m lying, I started saying “Shut up, I don’t believe you!” and the like. He did this, literally, ALL night long, stopping just long enough for me to drift off.

What a JERK.

I gave him the stink eye as I drove him to my sisters to be dog-sat while I drove to Delaware for the day. He ignored me and wagged his tail,shifting around in the backseat to look out the window.

Spoiled punk.

Today’s over view:

• Mood: Content and pleasant

• Whats my body doing: Dog tired (pun intended) with a migraine beginning toward late afternoon.

• Whats on my mind: How amazing it is to make a long drive with pleasant people and good conversation. The time just flies and it isn’t dreaded. Also, how I need to juggle more and get much more hands on teaching with Lizz.

• Eating: Breakfast and a late lunch. The lunch was bigger than I like to admit and I’m still not hungry five hours later.

A pattern is beginning to emerge. It seems that, not only am I an angry eater, but a TIRED eater. Perhaps my mind is mixing up the feeling of being tired with the feeling of needing energy from food? I don’t know, I’m no biochemist, but the pattern is apparent. When tired, I eat more.

I’m going to go drink some peppermint tea, get in some jammies and do the pre-game sleep warm up…it involves a lot of yawning.

Night night!

My Blog “Losing it…(in SO many ways)”

Whew. Oh God the relief of letting go is so damned GOOD.

Today I’m myself again. I got some upsetting news earlier in the day but was able to maintain my balance.

Let It Go
Let It Go
Let It Go

My mantra today is to remind me to cease fighting everyone and everything. It doesn’t matter what is thrown at me or where it came from. It is not my job to fix other people and its not their job to fix me. I am not here to mend you, heal you, or change you and, please…you are not here to mend, heal or change me. My God, why did we ever stop breastfeeding if the opposite is true? We should just continue to suck off the power of someone else and make them responsible for our getting better/growing up/acting right/behaving like a big girl…etc etc.

Let It Go
Let It Go
Let It Go

SO…today has been so much less uncomfortable, even though there was upsetting news. Life moves on and we learn to roll with it. I ended up spending a wonderful evening with old friends, laughing over dinner and just enjoying each other immensely. Then, later still, laughing over coffee on Twitter at the antics of all the wonderful people there.

Mood: Happy, gregarious, hopeful

Whats my body doing: No pain and lots of sleep, though still some low level edema

Whats on my mind: This is about me. This isn’t about someone else’s behavior or choices, it’s all on me. I can share, someone else can share with me but what I do with that is completely up to me. Pure and simple. It’s all on me to be responsible for me and I am NOT responsible for anyone else’s choices  or behaviors. Keep my side of the street clean and let others police themselves.

Band Restriction: Very Low

Eating: Nothing crazy or outrageous.

So, until tomorrow, I will be ok~
Read the rest of The State of My Union -Good Friends, Hot Coffee, Fun Times

Some days we want to just crawl into oblivion for awhile.

Read the rest of Meaningless! Meaningless!

JAN 26, 2011

This is going to be hard and fast and simply done because I committed to doing it, honestly.

Mood: Content, consigned

Whats on my mind: I need major help getting rid of my obsessive/compulsive thoughts and behaviors more balanced.I would like to get on the treadmill again and quit dreading it. I’m also wondering if lapbanding is going to work for me, after all.

Band Restriction: Very low (I finally got full eating raw spinach plain–that stuffs addictive)

Eating: Was decent though, again, unplanned. Maybe unplanned is OK? Im keeping less things in the house that would be easy to stumble over so I can pinch hit with stronger food…and when I want something and it’s in moderation, I can always run to the market and pick it up.

We’re having another winter storm, so it appears my day tomorrow may free me up to really write again. I hope so, I miss the posts about different things.

Until tomorrow~