christal blue persuasions musings

After a few weeks of coasting,  not moving in the direction I want to go in….Im ready. First losing Gail and Marys daughter Beth (and Beths husband).Then being sick the last two weeks hit me pretty hard. No treadmill, no total gym…I could only do a half hour on 3.0 before I had to break tonight. While fast walking (I pop it up higher for periods of time until I feel burning and almost cant keep up then I drop it back down to 3) I got a little disgusted with myself. I say I want certain things, and I do, but I don’t go to any lengths to achieve them.It isn’t an unreachable goal unless I make it one. I’ve done this before, I can do it again. Im 44 not 84. I deserve to feel 44. Five months ago I was in the hospital with pulmonary edema, I have NO business not making this a priority. This is my LIFE not my looking good. I am well enough and far enough to kick this into high gear.

John and I decided to not pursue our relationship and Im ok. Im actually the one who chose to stop it. I am grateful to him. He helped me get over barriers that six months ago I would have never dreamed I could get over. But we are too different communicators. I misinterpret what he says and he misinterprets what I say…I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want to be hurt.

Im off to the showers. My friend the jazz guitar player and I hang out on the net at night, he practices his guitar and I paint…its pretty cool and I don’t want to miss it . To paint to live music is amazing, we banter back and forth in between long spans of just working. I love my friends.

Three deaths in one day. Im going to bed for awhile

My focus has not been where it should be.I have not been checking in mornings, I have been sleeping late,staying up late, not doing what I should be doing, focusing on everything BUT the all important health issue of losing weight sanely. Just four months ago I was hospitalized, this is not something I need to focus on because I wanna look adorable again (that’s just a nice side effect)I need to do this because it will kill me if I do not.

I am also not eating . I have to say it out loud or the secret behaviors will start again, I have to be rigorously honest. My ex was kind enough to sell me the total gym so I have been able to work out on that and God I love that thing. I would marry it if it wasn’t so stiff and cold.Wait, I married my ex husband and he was stiff and cold….but I digress…

I honestly dont know how you all do it.

How do you work, be involved in  outside activities, take care of kids, relationships , parents and homes…and still be great buddies and keep up in here at the forums?

I just cant keep up, I dont know what Im doing wrong but Im falling behind. I have to start getting up earlier or something

Great day today. Half an hour of aerobics (I know, Im just a beginner) and half an hour on the treadmill then I scrubbed the tub and shower with a scrub brush to continue the sweat. Then a nice long shower and I got on a pair of capris I havent been able to wear in a year.They dont fit perfect, I have a small muffin top, but I buttoned them easily. Im pleased. THEN I got a bunch of dirty talking text messages from John…….so life is awesome hella good.

We’re all mildly sick here at my house. Body fluids dont want to remain in our bodies, headache etc. I will not even think about the challenges until dinner time. We’re taking a long walk to the local thrift shop in a bit because Lizz needs some costumes, so I will be getting something in for excercise during the day.

Mu biggest challenge right now is assimilating all these changes into a schedule. We have:

New:

• Food Journaling
• Excercise Journaling
• Forums and contact with buddies for support
• Excerise and challenges
• Goal writing
• Menu writing

Old:

• Housework
• Homeschooling a special needs punk azz stinker poopy head (shes had a no good rotten very bad day today) child
• One special needs dog (unable to be left alone without panic attacks pooping etc)
• Three cats
• two turtles
• Onlt ONE me
• Work about 20 hours a week as a personal assistant (but that doesn’t count home phone calls etc)
• Paint (I have two commissioned peices to finish and one to start)
• Various assignments
• Pee occasionally
• Hobbies that i cant live without

I have no doubt I am placing my focus on my health and my temples wellbeing. Its just the logistics of it all  (ya feel me?)

How are you guys handling all the changes and sudden requirements taking care of ourselves demand?

I sent the photo (only one cause I was that freaked out) but I did it. I wrote a defensive line of words with snarly overtones.

 He met them with laughter. He called me beautiful and crazy and a worry wart. Then he made fun of my socks. This is nice, but theres much more here than just a great guy. I’M in a different place.

I am no longer ok internally with being fat. I don’t think we are concious of our fat comfort. Maybe comfort isnt the correct word. Our fat PARADIGM would be close to the truth. It is what we KNOW, to imagine or know uis differently is very hard for us wretched cresatures called humans. I dont dislike myself, I dig the Hell out of me. But the weight is ,literally and figuratively, weighing my life down, keeping me back. That hit me this morning, my baggage is literally weight I am carrying around.

I stayed fat for many reasons.I dont have to deal with sexual advances from men, or jealousy from my mate. It means the people who talk with me want to deal with me and not my attractiveness, they want to talk to ME not my pretty eyes or my boobs.I am no longer a scared little girl with no coping mechanisms to fight off unwanted attention. I am perfectly capable of turning someone off with a look or a statement (I AM from Jersey after all) So to quote my friend “Quit being a big baby”

So yea…heres to shedding my fat suit and running around buck free and wild.R

I met a guy online. He is so cool.

I told him I was overweight and not happy. I sent him a head shot which was very tough for me. Nowhe wants full shot. I cant do it. So much for that. It was nice while it lasted.

Did a second time on the treadmill. Concidering 12 weels ago when I came out of the hospital I was given the ok to begin treadmill two weeks after. !0 weeks I started out  doing 3 minutes at 1.5 speed. I am up to 8 minutes at 3.0. Im pretty pleased, Im not marathoner but I progress.