christal blue persuasions musings

Having gone back to my old eating plan (whole grains, little or no whites etc) has done wonders for my mood. Whether or not it has done something for the scale is another thing. I dont own a scale so I have to go by how my clothes fit me. I have to put my capris in the dryer, as line drying them leaves them too loose to look decent. So I think Im on the right track. When I have tried eating more meat I felt polluted and queezy. My kidneys just cant handle it and I have to accept that fact. Tofu I do really well with, and am learning quite a few ways to prepare it. My favorite in the mornings when I am rushed, I have a double shot of espresso, some raw sugar, some soy milk and some flavoring (I like peppermint) and blend with silken tofu to make a smoothy. Minty good with ice too.

As a person with a history of obsessive compulsive behaviors, I am obligated to do certain things to remain in remission, under control—how ever you want to word it. And that includes taking information in from my doc, my therapist, other bulimics in recovery, a willingness to look at other options etc. I will not stop taking their input into consideration. If that is misconstrued as not taking responsibility then so be it. I pay my rent, I live in this head. My doctor has known me for 15 years or so. My therapist specifically deals in my area of weakness. My friends know what a bulimic thinks like, I do not have to explain or validate.

I came to this place not JUST to lose weight, but to deal on a day to day basis with me. I understand if others can not wrap their head around this…thats OK. I’m here though, and I’m me, and I am going to remain in recovery come Hell or high water. It may not be the kind of recovery another is working on (pull yassef up ba yo boot straps, son!) but in reality, that kind of thinking never worked for very long with me. I inevitably went back to my old ways quickly. Inevitably. Without variance. I refuse to live like that any more. Sure, I wont lose a hundred pounds in 6 months. Big f-in deal. I will however lose and I will also not lose my self doing it.

I destroyed friendships, relationships, my life in general because of this eating dysfunction. I have been on the other side. Until someone has been there they have no idea what it is–and if someone cant accept that , oh well.

(I also dont think eating with a balance in mind is some kinda ‘fad diet’. Before one posts one should read the article. It was in no way a fad diet, it was NO diet regiment at all…it was about balance and real eating.)

Im back with a vengeance! I was without internet for so long…now I have all of you back, Im so pleased

One has to be careful when one gets cocky and feels they don’t sunburn.

Guess who did that lil doozy? Me–and its sun poisoning now. If that doesn’t teach me nothing will. It has been hard to sleep, and I have come to LOVE my sleep since working on getting 8-10 hours a night. It makes a hella’ big difference in how one feels daily. So needless to say, I wont be farming for a few days.
Food has been under calorie and thats ok for right now, my stomach doesn’t want anything but light icy things in it. Robert moves out in a week and all has been going smoothly with little arguing, which is a relief. I had a lot of severe anxiety about many things; financially, the lack of a vehicle since mine died a year ago and we were using just his jeep to save money, how will Lizzie deal with it, etc. It’s really rocked my faith to a point where I finally said “God you know Im an idiot and wont ‘get it’ unless you show me like a two year old that you really are here and really do care about how we’re doing.” I got a phone call from one of Samantha’s friends. She is moving to NYC and can not afford to keep a car there…she asked me if I would take her 2004 Saturn. I tried to work out a payment deal but she refused it. So I offered to take in Phoebe , her cat, that she is not allowed to have in her new apartment.She accepted. For one month or one and a half months, I will struggle and then we will have a car. I think that was Gods overwhelmingly clear cut obvious answer to me.

I start what i call “adult day camp” this Monday, three days a week. It’s to give me the high therapeutic results of a hospital without actually being admitted. This way my whole world doesn’t stop but my emotional and chemical issues get dealt with in the manner they need. They will pick me up and drop me off every day that I go to the group. I wont have a lil lunch box though, they give us a meal while there. Though I wont go Wednesday as I go to Philly to see the U of Penn’s nephrology dept. I’m psyched.

So onward and upward is the theme for now.

I made an angel food cake (from scratch I might add) with a fluffy egg white frosting. The kids were in ‘need’ of a dessert. Instead of buying them one, I gave in and made the lesser of all evils. It was not my best one to date but it was good all the same. I had a slice with some lemon sorbet. What a treat after being in the sun all day and working like a chicken with its head cut off.

I sunburned my back pretty badly. I actually had to take a pain pill in order to sleep because of it. Then I woke at four with it feeling like I had sand paper in my shirt . A lil aloe later and Im ready to try to sleep for an hour before I have to get up and truly start my day. Although my 19 didn’t grumble , it was obvious being woken from her sleep to aloe mamma’s back was not gonna be the highlight of her week.

Someone who’s judgment I really respect  dropped me a line letting me know how good farming was for most people. Remember there was a day we had to work hard for our existence… if we wanted food we spent months growing it, if we wanted dinner, we had to cut it up and make it, if we wanted a cake, we had to fold in the egg whites etc.While I was always one for homemade food and not store bought, this is really driving home to me the difference in our society, how we view food, how we view hard work, WHAT we view as food etc.

Im going to try to nap and will write a true blog when the day starts.

So Friday, right? I go to my kidney dude about the symptoms. He decides no more farm work. Oh I’m gonna quit driving the mower but I will do other stuff and look at my symptoms for indication as to what I can and cant do. I’m really sick and tired of this disease getting in the way of living. I see the people at U of Penns Presbyterian Hospital nephrology department and I have a major list of questions with sub questions under each title. Oh yea, we will have some info, we will. I’m no longer ok with the answer “This is such a rare disease with so many variables” Thats not enough any more.

I lost two pounds and that makes me smile.

I feel so much better, even if I did wake with hives. I noticed my moods is more balanced since trying to get AT LEAST 8 hours of sleep.

Todays Goals:

1. Pray
2. Read my books
3. Plan my eating
4. Work at the Farm (sunblock sunblock sunblock and a hat!)
5. A half million errands and phone calls
6. Call my mother

I was reminded of this while reading Flo’s blog:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Nelson Mandela

Its kinda nice not having a lot of readers any more (I was away for a bit with no computer access). I find myself not thinking about what to write–I just write now. I didn’t get into this thing to be popular–lol. I got into it for selfish reasons and I’m staying for those same reasons. I dropped out of one of the weight loss clubs because I will not get weighed every week and cannot guarantee I wont drag the club down because of that reason.

I’m not going to be a “rah rah, I’m doing great cheerleader” when I’m not doing great. I’m not going to apologize for not being  in some ‘zone’. I’m looking for lifestyle changes, changes in thinking, changes in who I am…not just a dress size change. Ive done all that before and it doesn’t last. It isn’t enough. Being thin does not equate being happy. Trust me, I’ve been thin half my life. Wanna meet a better class of people? Gain forty pounds and see who still likes you then. I’ve been an active member of a 12 step program for 24 years. During meetings I talk, I share, I laugh the same when I am fat as when I am thin. But somehow when I am thin, my words are ‘golden’ to a shallow sect and unnoticeable when heavy. I find that very telling and very funny.

This is a difficult time for me. I’m not going to act as if I’m not sad or afraid. This isn’t a game for me , this is change or sink time. I don’t even cry, it’s that hard right now. The feeling of crying is there all the time but the tears will not come. Probably once Robert actually moves out I will cry…not right now, I don’t want him to see me vulnerable.

Sleep deprivation and its effects on humans

This is one of many articles I have been seeing about sleep deprivation. It’s interesting to see that needing 8-10 hours of sleep is actually appropriate and not ‘lazy’. It effects weight gain, judgment, coordination, mood and the rest of the body . I always wondered why , when I stayed up too late I was so damned hungry all the time. Man when I was running third shift, I slept two hours here, an hour, there, four hours here…no wonder I got so sick so fast. I went from being a vital energetic person to someone who felt like she was dying.

So…my Goals for Today:

1. Pray
2. Read from my daily books
3. Help Gail with her new printer
4. Work at the farm
5. Millions of medical forms
6. Bed by 9 pm

I’m trying to keep my spirits up. People keep telling me how much better I look, my clothes are fitting again, and yet, I get weighed at docs office and I’m still the same weight. Granted it was the day before my time of the month but hells bells, come ON. I work very hard at the farm, I have been actually UNDER caloric consumption most days…some weight should have been lost. I am fighting frustration and the “f*** it” attitude. I’m getting tired of thinking about food and how much it is in blah blah blah index and etc etc etc. I want a mental vacation from dieting.